Being better is such a terrible thing to say or to feel about yourself in regards to another persons feelings about you.
Wanting to be better for yourself is something that we should all get a grip on. I feel that people in my life have been wanting to be or get better but the end result it and has been the same. They convince themselves that getting better will solve the problems that are at hand but that isn't always true. Better is relative to the idea that we are somehow worse. If we always feel the need to get better then we will never feel OK with just being who we are.
I know that I am pretty awful sometimes to certain people but I don't want to get better at not being awful, I want to just not be awful. I want cut that out of me and move on. I want to remember how it was to be a kid and not know the idea that I am not good enough. Even though all of my memories of being a child revolve around the idea that I was never good enough for my mother but I am a lost cause. But the other people in my life are not.
When I say I want to become a better writing or a better artist I am implying that I am not good already or not good enough at the very least. Why should I think this way, why do I think this way? Is it because of a an imperfection in my brain that always convinces me that I am not worth love and happiness or even the ability to feel like something I produce is good? Why do I want to convince people that I am changing into something better when I feel that nothing is wrong with me? Why do I fall on that word like it's a rusty sword?
I have convinced myself just as others do that I really am not worth it, even though people tell me I am.
I want to not use it anymore to explain things that it degrades and devalues. Being better is not being OK, its a fallacy that I no longer will rely on.