My past is littered with hurt feelings and broken promises. I look at my life and I don't hate it or really wish I was someone else but not a day goes by that I don't feel something from my past. I have always been told that you have to let go or you have to move on; that things will never get better if you don't leave it in the past. I know that partially there is truth in that but I also see it as a bit of a cop out.
When my best friend and cousin died I knew right then and there that I was going to be lost for the rest of my life. They say that only time can heal wounds that deep but those people are wrong. I still feel it in my heart like the day those marines came to my door and broke the news. I still cry myself to sleep some nights and when I see that picture of him and me hugging it kills me a little. That guy was the best thing to come into my life and was taking out without me ever getting to say goodbye.
Moving on from that I still had to hold it close to me and try and explain it to every girl I have ever been with. Some understand and others tell me to grow up. I stayed with both versions of those girls and regret a lot of it. I have always allowed my hurt feelings to go unnoticed because it was way easier than fighting. I watched my parents fight and it hurt me every time. I guess you are thinking right now that I am just way too sensitive and you are probably right. I do have this giant empathetic nerve that shakes and pulsates every time someone in my life hurts and I feel their pain. I don't even want to feel my own pain so I learned to just feel others and try and help them with theirs. But when they no longer need my help mine comes screaming back at full speed and just destroys me and most of the time my pain is way too much for them. So they leave.
I have been in relationships pretty much since I started dating. I do have a constant need to have someone in my life but it's not really a conscious thing. I have been in relationships that made me feel more alone than I ever could all by myself. I try so hard to not let hurt feelings cloud my judgement but they always do. It's hard for me to channel my Vulcan side and only use logic to dictate the biggest parts of my life but I really can't. I lost a marriage because I tried too hard to hide the pain inside of me. I hurt people when I tried my hardest not to. I am a broken child from a broken home. I am a statistic and I will be forever.
When my best friend and cousin died I knew right then and there that I was going to be lost for the rest of my life. They say that only time can heal wounds that deep but those people are wrong. I still feel it in my heart like the day those marines came to my door and broke the news. I still cry myself to sleep some nights and when I see that picture of him and me hugging it kills me a little. That guy was the best thing to come into my life and was taking out without me ever getting to say goodbye.
Moving on from that I still had to hold it close to me and try and explain it to every girl I have ever been with. Some understand and others tell me to grow up. I stayed with both versions of those girls and regret a lot of it. I have always allowed my hurt feelings to go unnoticed because it was way easier than fighting. I watched my parents fight and it hurt me every time. I guess you are thinking right now that I am just way too sensitive and you are probably right. I do have this giant empathetic nerve that shakes and pulsates every time someone in my life hurts and I feel their pain. I don't even want to feel my own pain so I learned to just feel others and try and help them with theirs. But when they no longer need my help mine comes screaming back at full speed and just destroys me and most of the time my pain is way too much for them. So they leave.
I have been in relationships pretty much since I started dating. I do have a constant need to have someone in my life but it's not really a conscious thing. I have been in relationships that made me feel more alone than I ever could all by myself. I try so hard to not let hurt feelings cloud my judgement but they always do. It's hard for me to channel my Vulcan side and only use logic to dictate the biggest parts of my life but I really can't. I lost a marriage because I tried too hard to hide the pain inside of me. I hurt people when I tried my hardest not to. I am a broken child from a broken home. I am a statistic and I will be forever.