I have always been the type of person that wants change to happen instantly. I need the bad parts to vanish as soon as I make said change. I also sit and stare at the stars hoping that the wish I place upon that shooting star will come true even if it is "Please take her pain away". I am kind of mad at the universe for not fulfilling its side of that kind of an unspoken contract.
When I was young it was easier to just let those kind of things fall away into nothingness because most of the things I wished for were really stupid and unimportant things. But now that I am older I want real things. I want the world to change so that it will be easier to exist in it.
I really wish that I had the power to take away the hurt that has caused me to drift away from people and put up the walls that I have made to keep them out. Now that I have friends in my life that I want to be there I don't really know how to show them that I really do appreciate them. I know just being me and forging ahead with my own plans and my own life will show me who my true friends really are but it is still hard to sit here and wonder what it is that I am doing.
Figuring out who I am is hard. Figuring out who I am with others makes it easier. I know that my life is not really full of all of the things that I had hoped and dreamed of for myself but what I have right now is good. Not just the normal good but great. Life has turned the page for me and given me a story. Not the happy go lucky story that is always written about people but a real true story about hardships and choices. I know that I will make the right choice but still it is hard to understand the choice before you make it. I have always had a need to understand everything and figure stuff out as fast as possible but now I know I can't do that. There are things beyond myself that I don't need to understand and things that I will probably never understand.
I just need to find the balance between these things so that I am not fighting a losing battle with the universe because I am no match.