I have been sitting here getting swallowed up by the internet for the last hour or so and I have come to this conclusion: I wish I was better at something.
I will admit that I feel that I am "ok" at writing. I enjoy doing it and I also enjoy that someone else out there really appreciates that I continue to do it, but what I really want is to be happier with it. I want to just be good enough to be remembered for something more than that funny guy we used to hang out with, not that I think I am funny but people do laugh when I am around so the conclusion is drawn out of that idea not out of my own happiness in the my level of comedic value.
When I pour my heart and soul out into thick and thin black lines that blink and flash at me from this liquid crystal display I feel like I am something else. I think that maybe this will it, the one that gets me written about. This will be the one thing that sets me apart from everyone else. Maybe one day a man like me will stumbleupon something I wrote and give me a quick thumbs up. I know that wanting fame and glory is something that everyone feels but I hate that over encompassing statement.
You find it everywhere these days. When you are feeling down about not doing good in school, someone is there to say "yeah everyone has a bad quarter" and that is supposed to help how you feel. For me, my mind goes into overdrive and I start thinking not only about how I feel that I am doing worse than I should but how if that person is correct everyone else feels the same way as well. My brain wonders what that must say about us as people, that we are constant failures and have just learned and been taught that it is ok to feel bad because you can't really do anything about it. So you might as well just be sad and feel better knowing that others are sad as well. I find this very disheartening and absurd.
Anyone who knows me, knows, that I am a very cynical person who has lost faith in the world and most of it's inhabitants but there is still a part of me that longs for the idea of true certain happiness about who and what I am. That part of me will not be stomped out by fate, or by whatever the hell is driving this out of control spinning death ball we call home.
I will admit that I feel that I am "ok" at writing. I enjoy doing it and I also enjoy that someone else out there really appreciates that I continue to do it, but what I really want is to be happier with it. I want to just be good enough to be remembered for something more than that funny guy we used to hang out with, not that I think I am funny but people do laugh when I am around so the conclusion is drawn out of that idea not out of my own happiness in the my level of comedic value.
When I pour my heart and soul out into thick and thin black lines that blink and flash at me from this liquid crystal display I feel like I am something else. I think that maybe this will it, the one that gets me written about. This will be the one thing that sets me apart from everyone else. Maybe one day a man like me will stumbleupon something I wrote and give me a quick thumbs up. I know that wanting fame and glory is something that everyone feels but I hate that over encompassing statement.
You find it everywhere these days. When you are feeling down about not doing good in school, someone is there to say "yeah everyone has a bad quarter" and that is supposed to help how you feel. For me, my mind goes into overdrive and I start thinking not only about how I feel that I am doing worse than I should but how if that person is correct everyone else feels the same way as well. My brain wonders what that must say about us as people, that we are constant failures and have just learned and been taught that it is ok to feel bad because you can't really do anything about it. So you might as well just be sad and feel better knowing that others are sad as well. I find this very disheartening and absurd.
Anyone who knows me, knows, that I am a very cynical person who has lost faith in the world and most of it's inhabitants but there is still a part of me that longs for the idea of true certain happiness about who and what I am. That part of me will not be stomped out by fate, or by whatever the hell is driving this out of control spinning death ball we call home.